I recently attended the Manhattan wedding of the daughter of a close American friend—it was a joyous occasion, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I was delighted to be invited, but also surprised because here in Switzerland, I’ve learned not to expect an invitation when our friends’ children get married. This is no reason for hurt feelings—today it’s the custom that most Swiss brides and grooms limit the guest list to their own friends. The older generation is represented by immediate family and godparents. Perhaps a younger guest list is becoming the custom in the US as well, now that men and women marry later, have more money when they do, and hold their ceremonies in faraway places rather than the bride’s hometown.
When I got married in 1988, I was a graduate student living on a fellowship. It seemed obvious to my parents—and to me, as well—that I’d hold my wedding in the small North Carolina town where they lived and that they’d pay for it. None of us were churchgoers, so I asked if we could have an early evening ceremony on the patio and dinner afterward in the house. I never considered how complicated it would be for my mother and father to serve and seat sixty-five dinner guests inside their house! (Does this qualify me as a Bridezilla?) But my parents managed it, thanks to folding tables and chairs set up in almost every room and a delicious catered buffet. The guests were members of Peter’s and my family; friends from out of town, including two from Switzerland; and my parent’s neighbors and local friends, several of whom housed our out-of-town guests in their homes. I don’t remember finding it inappropriate that about a quarter of the people at our wedding were invited by my parents—after all, they were hosting and paying for the party.
I never considered wearing a lacy white bridal gown to the ceremony in my parents’ home; my dress was a flowery cotton that came to mid-calf. Thinking back to my contemporaries’ weddings in Switzerland and the US around the same time, I don’t remember any brides in floor-length white gowns. Recently, however, traditional wedding outfits seem to have come back in, along with longer guest lists and fancier venues. Still, at the ceremony and brunch in Manhattan that I enjoyed so much, the bride chose a colorful knee-length dress instead of white silk and lace, which I found perfect for the occasion.
Another change in wedding styles in Switzerland and the US is that fewer vows are exchanged in churches than forty years ago. Fewer church ceremonies mean fewer receptions afterward in church halls with finger food, punch, and wedding cake. Today’s meals are served in much fancier venues, with the average US wedding costing $30,000. That’s $40,000 or $50,000 in Switzerland with a smaller guest list.
I’d be curious to know if any of you have noticed differences between weddings past and present now that first-time brides and grooms are older, richer, less likely to be churchgoers, and more likely to live far from their families. What about your weddings? Any clashes with your parents over the setting and guest list?
Photo credits: The lead photo of the bride and groom on the beach is by Asad Photo Maldives, the wedding cake is by Jeremy Wong, and Terje Sollie took the picture of the bride holding her shoes.
Kim Hays 
Dear Kim, Lovely to hear your comparisons of past/present and Swiss/American weddings. My family specializes in small weddings…and keeps costs way down, compared to the average American wedding. I don’t know the cost of my parents’ wedding, in Iowa, 1946, but I do know that my mom’s wedding dress—which I still have, in case a grandgirl wants it—was made by my grandmother, and worn by my mom, who was 95 pounds when she married. My brothers’ weddings, in 1973 and 1974, were small affairs—family only for the “73 wedding, because of a recent death in the bride’s family, so only an exchange of vows in the midst of tears, I think, and for the other (’74), a small, potluck affair with square dancing at the Unitarian Society after bride and groom graduated with their MDs. My own, in ’76, was at the American Association of University Women; my dress cost the same as my wedding ring, $45 each, an off the rack choice more for style than color, but it was white—Jon’s suit cost $200. An uncle donated the wine…and maybe the total for the space and sit-down dinner and the minister was about $2K ( I think we had about 65 in attendance.) My sister married in’91 by going to a JP and telling us afterward…my daughter did the same, in 2014, telling us about the marriage only when they announced their first pregnancy to us, in 2016. It wasn’t meant as a slam—she just didn’t want the fuss and bother of a performance, and I was relieved to be spared playing the mother of the bride role.
But I did have clients whose marriages included fancy destinations—one with a huge fireworks display at the dance—and many of my friends and peers had huge, elaborate affairs. We are a very saving family, I guess, and would rather put the energy into the marriage itself rather than the ceremony. So far, so good…
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It’s lots of fun to hear about your own and your family’s weddings, Julia! I wish I still had my mother’s wedding dress the way you have your mother’s. I guess in the end it comes down to how people want to spend their money–and, as you say, what they want to invest energy in.
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I got married, a month after we decided to do so, in 1979 and I wore a turquoise prom-type dress. My mother was dubious, though she caved in, and my mother-in-law was deeply disapproving! (Admittedly, she was generally scandalized and disapproving about just about everything about the wedding, which was very informal.) But I actually think that most brides have always worn a formal white dress, unless they eloped. Personally, I think it’s a little silly, but so many women, even now, have dreamed about, and planned their ideal weddings in their heads throughout girlhood. Though, I do think is somewhat less common now! I also cringe at how much people spend on weddings. It seems as if they would be happier spending that money on a great honeymoon, or other things.
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I think neither of us has a problem with the color white or the length of the skirt but with the expense and formality of it all. The fancy dress is just a small part of the package. We both support people trying to capture a dream–but does it have to be such an expensive dream?
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